‘Cause growing up is awfuller
Than all the awful things that ever were.
I’ll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up,
(“I Won’t Grow Up”, Peter Pan)
three days out of
the four days of
this week so far,
i made myself breakfast.
the first day,
i made oatmeal.
the second day,
my mom made tuna on toast.
the third day,
i made scrambled eggs on toast.
the fourth day, today,
i made veggies on toast.
why did i do this?
my sister will be graduating from college,
but i can’t attend the graduation ceremony,
so i have to stay here.
one choice i had
was to go to my mom’s friend’s house.
i don’t know her very well, so i declined.
my other choice,
was to stay at home alone
(with the exception of a maid who would
do the dishes,
organize the house,
help me cook dinner,
i would have to:
wake up by myself
make my own breakfast
go to school by myself
eat dinner partly prepared by the maid
be at home alone for the evening
check all the windows and doors for safety each night
the idea of doing all of this on my own
to finally have a taste of independence
appealed to me
so i told my mom
i wanted to stay home alone for two weeks.
and so i began to prepare
and so my mom began to teach me
a little about how to survive.
the rice-to-water ratio
how long to cook vegetable soup
how to chop things efficiently
hence, i told my mom
to sleep in every morning
because i would make my own breakfast this week.
little did i know
the anxiety i caused on my mom
because of how worried she was
that i would be home alone.
she was terrified
that someone would come in
and i would wind up
this morning she exploded
demanding to know
“why do you want to grow up so fast?”
“why can’t you act like your age?”
“are you denying what i provide for you on purpose?”
because in her eyes
what she was providing
(the bread i was meant to use for breakfast this morning
the leftover meat i was meant to use for breakfast this morning
the slices of cheese she had bought for breakfast toasts)
i. was. not. using.
and that made me cry
because i didn’t know
why i wanted to grow up so fast.
i didn’t know
why i needed to know these things.
i didn’t know
why i wanted to push almost everything
that i loved
away from me
in favour of loneliness independence.
Have you ever grown up too fast?