i can’t understand why

In Uncategorized on April 24, 2010 at 8:25 pm

i have a friend

who i might consider

my first and maybe closest friend

in my school.

she’s an outgoing person

but she’s prone to lying

and overexaggerating.

to be honest

i’m just nice to her because

i’m a “nice person” at school

and because she’s nice

and because she takes the time

to talk to me at all.

she comes across as a little superficial

and fake, sometimes.

she’ll jump up and say,

“Guess what happened on Friday? I was at this party, right, with these guy friends of mine, and one of them was Cupcake, you know? The guy I like? Yeah, so anyway, he had a few friends over from his school, and you know ******** right? He’s so cute, right? He’s such an awesome guy, but he’s a little shy with girls, you know? So Cupcake came up to me, right, and he told me that ******* was totally checking me out. And this girl, she was like ‘I hate you, I’ve liked ******* for such a long time but you come along and he has only eyes for you!’ So yeah, I totally think he likes me.”


(there’s also a few issues

with her singing.

she thinks she’s extremely talented at singing

and videos herself singing to songs

and sends it to us

all the time.

now her singing voice is not bad, per se

but it’s nothing special.)

but anyway recently

(only for the past week)

she doesn’t talk to us during lunchtimes

goes around class moping

and wears huge shirts.

i noticed right away

when she started behaving this way

because it was totally abnormal of her.

i was surprised that nobody seemed

to want to talk to HER about it.

they all just asked each other

“what’s wrong with her?”

“why isn’t she talking?”

“what happened to her?”

so once during lunchtime

i went up to her, sitting at the end of the table

kneeled down in front of her

and asked her what was going on.

at first she refused to tell me

but eventually during free period

which we have together

i met her in the girl’s bathroom

and she told me what was going on.

she told me that she’d just been crying and crying

when she got home

and her grades had been suffering

and she couldn’t think straight.

okay, i thought

textbook case of depression, right?

she told me she went to the school nurse

and just started crying and bawling

and eventually she went to see her counsellor

and her counsellor told her she might be depressed

and that she might need medication

and that her parents had also come in

to talk to her and her counsellor about it.

she also told me that she tried to cut herself

with a sharp pair of tongs

but apparently they weren’t sharp enough.

so she has no scars.

come friday lunchtime,

i see her taking a black pen,

and her homework agenda

and over one page of april

writing the word




over and over again

in haggard letters.

she turned the agenda over

and there was the word


written in harsh, black pen

scratched into the page.

then she turned it over again

and started colouring in each square

of the calender month of may

with black pen.

at this point i couldn’t take it anymore

and gently kneeled down next to her.

“what are you doing?”


“with black?”

“it’s a pretty colour.”



“you know, we’re all your friends here. we all care about you and love you. and you’re really worrying us, and i really want to know what’s going on so i can help you.”


she nodded unconvincingly and

went on to colour may 31st in black.

i sighed

and went off my own way.

i don’t know how to help her anymore.

on one hand, i believe that she seriously is depressed

and that i should do all that i can to talk to her

and encourage the rest of my friends to help her.

but on the other hand,

i can’t help but think this is just a ploy for attention.

the behavior is too sudden

and too stereotypically emo

to be believable.

none of the other girls seem to care much

beyond the occasional inquiry as to

what happened to her.

nobody’s taking action to her face.

perhaps she does this often?

i don’t know.

i don’t understand.

what i don’t understand

is what she has to be unhappy about.

what i don’t understand

is why when she has all these friends

that i had to work so hard to get

that she has to try and get their attention

in this way?

what i don’t understand

is why people throw away their own happiness

for attention

for status

…for thinness?


What do you think I should do? Blow it all off, or take it seriously?

  1. Hey hun, it does sound like your friend may be depressed. Thing is, she doesn’t seem ready to talk yet so as a friend to her, perhaps it will be best to write her a letter to tell her that whenever she wants to talk, she will always be welcome. At least that way, she will know that she has your support and will feel able to ask for it when the time comes.

    You are such a beautiful, compassionate girl and she is so darned lucky to have a friend like you, regardless of what kind of person she is or what she’s really going through. Try and talk to your group of friends too because they may not understand her situation. But most importantly, take care of yourself first and make sure that you are in a safe place before you go all out to help your friend. *hugs*

    Nat xoxo

    • Thanks Nattie! I’m still not sure as to what to do (I recently talked to my friend again over skype and she seemed to be feeling much better. Somehow my doubts have deepened…) but I’ve definitely told her many times that if she needed anyone to talk to, I’d be right there. I guess I’d be considered the “good listener” type because I don’t talk much or interrupt…. and I enjoy caring about other people.

      Thank you for the lovely compliment – I really appreciate your advice! 🙂


  2. I think you’ve done a wonderful thing in just being available to her, not ignoring her, and not talking behind her back. Maybe your suspicions are right and the “depression” is a ploy for attention, but you may never know for sure. If she threatens to harm herself, you should definitely take it seriously. No matter the real cause (depression or attention), the NEED is still real. She still needs positive attention, care, and real friends, just like everyone else. Just like you! I agree with the above comment–take care of yourself first, because you won’t be in any condition to help others if you can’t help yourself. Best wishes with everything!

    • Thanks so much, Hope! I do feel bad though, because I HAVE talked behind her back… (I just couldn’t hold in my suspicions that she was faking depression, and had to talk about it with a friend)

      I think that’s really true about her needs – I’m still trying as hard as I can to be supportive! I don’t know if I’ll be able to convince my other friends though – they’ve been having to “put up” with her attention-seeking behavior for a lot longer than I have, and it really seems that they just can’t be bothered with it anymore… but I do think she’s worth my time, since she’s not a bad person, just misunderstood and maybe a little lonely.

      Thank you! I’ll make sure to take care of myself…. I can’t afford not to! 🙂


  3. […] with my friend from the previous post (i’ll call her […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: