is it really you? i can’t wait to see you… i’ve missed you.

In Uncategorized on April 29, 2010 at 7:46 am

i don’t know if i’m just coming down

with a cold

but lately i haven’t been feeling so good.

as for the cold part,

i’m sniffling

and coughing

and blowing my nose all the time,

so i can safely say that yes,

i do have a cold.

but there are other symptoms as well.

recently i’ve been having severe cases of

bloaty belly

inexplicable stomachaches

and cravings for sweets

(which is evident from my little binge

from two nights ago.

i ate:

one sweet potato

10 almonds

one lemon cake (that my mom made

with the mochi brownie recipe

except she used no cocoa powder

and lemon extract.

in case you were wondering,

for some reason, these ones

were a little too greasy.)

two chocolate truffles

one piece of toast with…

sesame butter on 1/3

blueberry jam on 1/3

and a LOT of peanut butter on 1/3

i also dipped my finger into the

peanut butter jar

and ate at least 3 tablespoons

of peanut butter in one go.

if that’s not a binge on sugar

(by my non-sweet-tooth standards)

then i don’t know what is.)

but away from the parenthetical food,

and onto my real suspicions…

i think that my womanliness

is coming back.

the last time i went to the chinese doctor

she felt my pulse and was surprised

at how much stronger it was

compared to the last time i went.

she said,

yes, it might come this month.

it might?


i don’t know whether to be happy

(because all this hormone therapy

and chinese medicine

is finally working)

(oh, and because

i’d like to be able to have children

in my future, thanks)

or to be a little sad

(because this makes me officially one step

away from being sick

in my mom’s eyes.

she doesn’t know about the mental part

of my illness.

she just knows that i’m very picky

about what i eat

and that i lost a lot of weight

and that i don’t have my period.

that is all she knows.

she doesn’t know about the

all-or-nothing mindset

guilt after a secret slow-binge

loss of identity that i feel everyday now.)

some people are irritated by their period

and wish that it never came.

i used to be one of those people…

until i lost mine.


How do you feel about your “womanliness”? How would you deal with it if it stopped, and you knew the reason why (eg ED) but you didn’t want to change?

  1. I lost my period for about two years as a result of my ed. Honestly, I didn’t mind and was actually glad not to deal with it. I wasn’t concerned with my ability to have children at the time… until my doctor I may not be able to have children ever. That was a shock back to reality! Fortunately, my period came back since I’ve been in recovery and pulled my weight up. It’s variable and unpredictable, but it is back… and my doctor is fairly certain that I haven’t permanently ruined my chances of having children. Best wishes to you! xoxo

    • Two years? Wow… I saw my period as an inconvenience as well, but I guess you only really appreciate what you have when it’s gone. I’m glad that you got your period back, though – it’s much better to recover and get it back than to ruin your chances forever and regret it later on… which is why I’m being forced to go to the doctor’s all the time. Personally I really don’t see the point as of right now, but I guess I don’t really understand yet? :S

      Thanks for your good wishes! 🙂


  2. Sometimes, not having my once-a-monthlies seems ok only because I used to find it bothersome. Thing is, I do want to have children one day and I do have a fear that what I have done or am doing to my body is going to make me lose that dream. I don’t want to ever have to live in that regret knowing that I could have changed my future if only I had looked after my body.

    I think that maybe you ought to talk to your Mum. In recovery, it is so important to have someone you can trust and depend on to keep you on track. It may not be easy, and your Mum may not understand entirely but it will help in the long run hun.

    Keep fighting! I’m right here cheering you on!!

    Much love,
    Nat xoxo

    • I think we take our monthly cycles a little too un-seriously. I agree with you about it being bothersome; I really hated my period when it first started coming… it was icky, and got in the way of doing things because I couldn’t swim, I had cramps, and I was generally uncomfortable all the time.

      My mom is most worried about the fact that this “stint” of mine might lead to infertility. She said “if you want children but you end up not being able to have them, remember my words: you chose this.” Something along those lines… it’s harsh, but it’s true. If I’m not willing to recover and actively look after myself, then I’m going to face the consequences.

      I can’t really talk to anyone about these sorts of things… I end up crying too hard to speak and I just can’t think straight when that happens. I guess it’s good that I have a blog now… and you guys, right? ❤ 😀


      • “Don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone” – Joni Mitchell.

        Amen to that. We’re here for you Wei-Wei!

  3. Since we are still considered “Underweight” by a few pounds, we haven’t had our periods in like a year or so.

    • What do you mean by “still” considered? I hope you both get them back soon… I realise that since we three are still just teenagers and might just look at the short-term advantages of not having our periods, but we need to remember the big picture… right?

      Because both of you are awesome and you just have to pass on your awesome genetic code to some awesome kids… 😉 Awesome! 😀


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