i don’t know if i’m just coming down
with a cold
but lately i haven’t been feeling so good.
as for the cold part,
and blowing my nose all the time,
so i can safely say that yes,
i do have a cold.
but there are other symptoms as well.
recently i’ve been having severe cases of
and cravings for sweets
(which is evident from my little binge
from two nights ago.
one sweet potato
one lemon cake (that my mom made
with the mochi brownie recipe
except she used no cocoa powder
and lemon extract.
in case you were wondering,
for some reason, these ones
were a little too greasy.)
two chocolate truffles
one piece of toast with…
sesame butter on 1/3
blueberry jam on 1/3
and a LOT of peanut butter on 1/3
i also dipped my finger into the
peanut butter jar
and ate at least 3 tablespoons
of peanut butter in one go.
if that’s not a binge on sugar
(by my non-sweet-tooth standards)
then i don’t know what is.)
but away from the parenthetical food,
and onto my real suspicions…
i think that my womanliness
is coming back.
the last time i went to the chinese doctor
she felt my pulse and was surprised
at how much stronger it was
compared to the last time i went.
yes, it might come this month.
i don’t know whether to be happy
(because all this hormone therapy
and chinese medicine
is finally working)
(oh, and because
i’d like to be able to have children
in my future, thanks)
or to be a little sad
(because this makes me officially one step
away from being sick
in my mom’s eyes.
she doesn’t know about the mental part
of my illness.
she just knows that i’m very picky
about what i eat
and that i lost a lot of weight
and that i don’t have my period.
that is all she knows.
she doesn’t know about the
guilt after a secret slow-binge
loss of identity that i feel everyday now.)
some people are irritated by their period
and wish that it never came.
i used to be one of those people…
until i lost mine.
How do you feel about your “womanliness”? How would you deal with it if it stopped, and you knew the reason why (eg ED) but you didn’t want to change?