Wei-Wei

i don’t belong here.

In Uncategorized on May 12, 2010 at 10:01 pm

alright. so this was originally going to be this

totally perky post about

what i experimented with today

(i had a fried egg

with a mixed-grain bun

with lots of salt and pepper

with roma tomatoes on the side.)

(and i have some “fitness” news i’ll share

a little while later.)

but then i came across a few things

that have altered my perspective, a little.

first:

this post, from abby has issues.

it made me think.

okay, so i follow all the classic health bloggers,

right?

KERF.

Carrots N Cake.

Oh She Glows.

and i leave all the nicest, most pleasant

comments ever.

the problem is,

it seems like a chore.

it seems like a big, most annoying chore,

to be perky every time and say

“that looks great!

omg soooo delicious!

i must make this sometime!”

because, well…

i never do.

i’m different from these people.

i’m a fricking high school student.

i live in fricking china.

i can’t fricking run, for god’s sake.

(though that might change.

see the end of this post.)

but it’s easy to say that these people

“inspire” me towards health.

big fat fucking lie, ladies and gentlemen.

i don’t identify with these people.

i admire them very much

and salivate at all their food

and attempt to comprehend 60 miles of biking

or an “easy” 3 mile run

but i. am. different from them.

i’m just not one of those people.

i can’t change myself.

i know i’m not one of them, and i probably

never will be.

i think a few more things factored into this realisation.

remember beth?

when we were talking and she was saying how

she wanted to lose weight, she said:

I just want to lose the weight. That’s it. I know I’m not going to be one of those ultra-healthy people. I’m not going to be able to eat a healthy breakfast, a healthy lunch, a healthy dinner, and do yoga. I’m just not one of those people.

i’m just not one of those people.

i’ve always tried to become one of the popular group.

it’s one of the reasons i lost weight in the first place.

there’s this large popular group at our school

and a smaller group within them

is made up of a few skater boys

and a couple of girls.

i’m envious of the girls.

they’re pretty, and skinny, and “cool”,

and they can hang out with boys pretty dang comfortably.

they’re funny, too.

(i have proof, from their facebook messages.

yes. i stalk. problem?)

and one of them is a pretty serious photographer.

she has a flickr.

she’s doing project 365.

her photos are amazing.

i want her camera.

she’s dating one of the skaters.

so for a while i wanted to be like her, so i started

talking to the skater (the one she’s dating)

in pe class.

i got ignored.

well, not completely. but he didn’t

automatically think “hey, she’s COOL!”

either.

i’m just not one of those people.

one of my friends, a rather large girl

(not obese “large”, but just

slightly plump “large”.)

is very friendly and always

waves to me in the hallway enthusiastically

with a smile.

she’s pretty, i guess, and wears nice clothes

even if she is a little plump.

well i was facebook stalking again

and i found a wall-to-wall conversation

between her and, well, who i consider the most

popular girl in our grade.

she’s very pretty and mature and is dating a sophomore.

she’s nice (but apparently a backstabber) and we talk,

occasionally.

i’m not cool enough to be her friend, though.

so i read this wall-to-wall conversation

…and the plump girl who was my friend

had gone to the popular girl’s house.

the conversation was something like

“want to come over to my house?”

sort of thing.

i was jealous for a moment.

why did she invite a stupid fat girl

to her house?

why didn’t she invite me?

i’m nice to her. i talk to her.

we have pe and english class together.

she knows me, right?

aren’t i cooler than her?

then i stopped.

and reminded myself…

did i really want to be her friend, though?

would i really have fun with her?

or would i just be stuck making

nice comment after nice comment

everything meaningless

everything forced

everything faked?

i don’t want to live like that.

(and why was i being so mean to the “plump” girl

when all she’d done was make a new friend

and all she ever was was nice to me?)

i’m just not one of those people!

are you sick of hearing that yet?

I’M NOT ONE OF YOU!

i just want to be myself.

stop tempting me with your glamourous lifestyle.

i want to be myself.

MYSELF.

i’ll do what I’M good at

and i’ll say what i WANT to

and i don’t have to SUCK UP and BE NICE to you

just because that’s what you i expect of myself.

i just want to be me.

**

depressing realisations aside,

i ran the mile on monday.

my time was improved from all of my times this year:

9.15!!

i’m rather happy.

oh and today, in pe

we also did a run

apparently it was a little less than a mile

but it wasn’t on the track.

it was outside, on the road!

i didn’t stop to walk, once.

lise even complained,

“are you ever going to stop?!

walk with me!

slow down!”

(i didn’t.)

(sorry, lise.)

running outside feels great.

maybe i’ll try it after all.

**

I’ve decided to stop making myself make comments on big health blogs. It’s not worth my time. Hell, I don’t even know why I leave any. It’s not like they’ll reply, out of all the dozens/hundreds of comments they get. (I didn’t even bother starting to comment on the Pioneer Woman. I can appreciate her lovely humour from afar.)

What’s your view on “big” blogs? Do you think it dehumanizes the people behind them, a little? I like to reply to each and every comment you guys make, and I cherish each one of them. I don’t know if that can be said for the “big” bloggers. Do they even read our comments?

Disclaimer: I’m not disparaging of the blogs in any way. In fact, I really like them – it’s just the fact that they’re so, well, BIG and popular that I’m wondering a little about the level of depth that comments have and the thought that goes into them.

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  1. Girlie, you’re right. You’re not one of those people. And neither am I. We’re who we are and that gives us the right to be who we want to be. It’s easy to try and emulate others but then, we end up departing from our true selves and that ultimately leads to discontentment. Your insights are amazing and I think that you have the beauty within you (and outside of you for that matter) to be who you are. People love you for that! I love you for being able to be so honest on your blog hun because that takes guts!

    Popular blogs are popular, true. But the value placed on them depends on you as their reader. The thing is, I sometimes feel that readers end up trying to follow suit i.e. eat what they eat, drink what they drink, follow the same exercises etc. It’s ok if that’s what makes them happy, but it should never be for the sake of wanting to be like the blogger. Know what I mean?

    I’m glad you wrote about this. I never really thought about this issue and at the same time, I’m not one to really follow those widely popular blogs. Somehow, they just don’t seem to connect with me. Lol.

    Much love
    Nat xoxo

    • I guess I’m able to be honest because… Well, I don’t know if I’ve slipped anything, but I’ve kept my identity very much under locks. I feel I can be honest when you don’t know me in real life… then you can judge me based on what I share with you, and nothing else. A little selfish of me, maybe, but sometimes I need “fair” judgment… πŸ˜›

      Sometimes I think about these kinds of things in random moments, but they’re usually just fleeting thoughts that I brush away because they’re usually kind of… well, bitchy. I mean, who wants to read about me complaining about how I think popular bloggers are “fake”? Not I. So I brush it aside and think of something nicer to blog about… but I kind of realise now that even though I’m going to lose a lot of readers, I’m still going to be honest. After all, this is my little corner of the internet, and I can do whatever I want… as long as no feelings are hurt, I guess.

      Oh, and I noticed that you added me to your blogroll – my heart literally skipped a beat when I saw my name there. Thank you SO much. πŸ™‚

      Wei-Wei

  2. I know what you mean about “big blogs.” I read them once in while but I dont always comment. I feel like some of the stuff is redundant, same foods, same things over again. You shouldn’t feel like you have to comment if you dont want to. I only do so when I’m reading the blog and actually have something to say. You’re right, blogging/commenting should NOT be a chore!! I don’t comment as frequently as some people do but I do respond to most of the comments that people leave me – again only if I feel like they need responding to.

    I’m glad that you realized that you dont actually want to be someone’s friend just because she is “cool.” Because again, you would have to be fake and that is soooo not worth the efforts. Stay friends with people who make you happy girl! Its those friends who will MAKE YOU FEEL cool. Love ya!

    -Jess

    • I agree – I think that my decision to swear off commenting COMPLETELY then following through with that by unsubscribing from the blogs (I resubscribed… you gotta realise that commenting is one of the best ways to get new readers! :P) was a little drastic. I’ve made the decision to only comment when I have something to say… I know now that I’d just be wasting my time if I made a generic comment and be wasting my motivation when the bloggers don’t “notice” me – generic comments are called “generic” for a reason!

      YOU GUYS make me feel cool by reading my blog and commenting at all! Thanks so much for your comments – I really do appreciate every single one of them, and as I said, I do try to reply to every one. I love it when bloggers reply to my comment – it feels like someone actually acknowledged me! So I try to let you guys feel that too. πŸ™‚

      Wei-Wei

  3. Hi, I came across your blog because I read these “health” blogs too. I just wanted to drop a few words of encouragement and maybe hope. I’m Chinese but living in the U.S., and I suffered from an ED throughout the latter part of high school and in the first part of college. I’ve “recovered” numerous times, either through willful recovery or from losing control and stuffing my face for several weeks at a time. I still think about my body much more than the average person, but now it doesn’t control my major decisions anymore. I discovered that when I stopped starving myself, I actually was able to maintain a thin body and healthy weight. I started to focus more on becoming “fit” rather than the numbers. I try and exercise and eat fruits and vegetables rather than just count calories. I still have days when I look at myself in the mirror and pinch myself, but I think I’ve come a long way. I know it’s going to be a lot of work, and it’s hard to stay positive right now, and that it’s going to be a very difficult journey. Another word of advice is to try and totally immerse yourself in doing something you love, because that’s partially what got me out of thinking about myself and beating up on myself all the time. Sorry this might not be very helpful, but I really wish there was an easier way to get better.

    • Hey SW! Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog. I know what you’re going through… sometimes I willfully recover (“consciously” eat more and push away the bad feelings) or sometimes I just binge. I also hope that I’d become more “fit” and physically stronger (read: muscles!) and I know to do that I need to work hard and eat and exercise, so that’s what I’m trying to do. I guess we all have those days where we just don’t like our bodies, but honestly, yes, we have come a long way. You have, I have, we all have, and eventually we’ll get to a point where we CAN say, “I have recovered.” I guess staying positive and finding passions is a big part of it.

      Thank you for your advice! It was helpful indeed, it reminded myself to pursue happiness and to find my passions. I’m going to go steal my dad’s camera now and play with it some more. Who knows, maybe I’ll get more into photography.

      There is no easy way to get better. Recovery is probably the hardest thing ever, and I’m proud of you for making it through. πŸ™‚ Thank you for reading and commenting! ❀

      Wei-Wei

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