but just pretend that i can, okay?
recently i’ve been feeling a little…
skeptical, about the world.
now, i’ll back up and tell you a little background
about my personality.
i used to be a very pessimistic person.
i thought that everybody was born bad
and those who were “good” only did it because
a) they were trying to get something from you
b) they were pressured into being good
c) they had to keep up their “good” image.
i didn’t really have much faith in people
i always thought that people who could
describe themselves in a few adjectives
and by their likes and dislikes
and those people who always seemed to be
(mention glee: “OMG I LOOOOOVE THAT SHOW”
either that, or “OMG IT’S SOOOO ANNOYING”)
i thought that people who said that were shallow
and exaggerated too much.
like i said yesterday, i’ve stopped making myself
comment on big popular blogs just because i
say “omg sooo delicious”
“yeah, i HATE it when that happens!”
i’ve always been skeptical of people who are
able to write their own “story.”
maybe it’s because i’m selfish and unclear about my own “story”
but life isn’t a story book.
i can’t describe myself and talk about ED like an “ordeal”
i went through.
i can’t describe life in words.
you’d have to feel it.
i wouldn’t be able to get my point across
about the feelings that i feel
about the things that i do
about the relationships i have to people
without overexaggerating and using literary techniques
(injected a little bit of english class in there for ya.)
an example of how skeptical i am is this:
my “best friend” (yes, once again in “quotation marks”)
keeps a diary on her computer.
it was meant to be private, but sneaky little me
(my sneaky little gossipy friend
who i rather dislike now, by the way)
went and read it, secretly.
i was very skeptical.
she is a very good writer, and described her feelings
and little tidbits of everyday life in beautiful,
complete with metaphorical insights
(classic example: “I was in the beginning of
a downward spiral into depression.”
that’s not a quote from her diary,
but it’s a metaphor that i’ve seen too many times
used to describe the development of ED.
i’m sick of this metaphor.
sure, it may be effective, but can you really
imagine yourself falling into a downward spiral?
i can’t. honestly, i kind of live life a little
but basically, as i voiced my opinion of my skepticality,
i hurt her feelings.
i degraded her journal to a mere story, because
i didn’t believe that she really felt those things.
i thought that because she possessed the ability to write about it
in such storybook-like detail and eloquence
that it was probably exaggerated and fabricated.
i don’t like to describe myself, or my story
i don’t like to say things like
It probably started when I transferred schools. I was really overwhelmed by it all and was pretty disparaging of all of my peers, and so when I ignored them and they just ignored me back, I was content to shrink into my world of starvation. Little did I know, this was the beginning of my eating disorder and spiral downwards into darkness…
i know that maybe saying it like that
makes it a lot clearer for you.
but back then,
i didn’t feel overwhelmed by my school transfer.
i just dealt with it.
maybe the feelings came out in my control over food,
but i certainly didn’t feel it.
i certainly don’t feel like i have the right
to objectify it and say definitive things
like “this is when it started.
this is why it started.
this is how i felt.”
because i can’t. i just can’t describe life in words
and i’m a firm believer that nobody can.
that’s probably very selfish and narrow-minded of me
because i’m sure there are a lot of writer and bloggers out there
who voice their true opinions and feelings
for you to even comprehend what they’re saying
they’d have to plan it out and have structure to their writing
to get their point across.
that’s why i write like this.
that’s why i like to apologise “if i ever confuse you.”
see? i don’t know. i was attempting to use the
rule of three, but i couldn’t come up with the last one.
makes for a rather awkward joke, huh?
What do you think? Have you ever wondered how real “real” people are? Have you ever wondered… if you can relate to something that is written beautifully because, well, it was written beautifully? And if it was, would you ever doubt the sincerity of the beauty of the written work?