long story short,
a number of things happened today
and the past few days
and i’m not feeling very good
and i feel like i’m slipping
so i’m going to take a break from blogging.
that’s the short version.
you can close this window now,
because i’m going to start whining,
and since i’m already down on readers,
i don’t suppose anybody wants to read this.
1) my readership has gone down ever since
i stopped making myself comment.
i suppose it’s expected, but still,
i’m an attention whore and it’s making me
uncomfortable and dissatisfied.
2) i’m feeling really cold lately.
it’s starting to rain and be a little dreary
and it’s not doing much for my mood.
3) today was the freshman lock-in.
not that i wanted to go in the first place,
but two of my friends are also hosting (separate) parties
one of which i was invited to,
the other of which i wasn’t.
i can’t go, because obviously my parents aren’t here
and i can’t leave my grandma at home alone.
i felt very left out when at the end of the day,
they started talking about which bus they would go on
and what they would do.
(“So what are we doing at her house?”
“I don’t know, maybe go to Starbucks first.”)
our big group of girls is, in my mind
divided into two groups:
the more popular, “cooler” group of loud,
exorbitant, constantly-giggling, girls.
the other is less cool, consisting of girls
who are more studious and quiet, and laugh
at weirder, lamer things.
i’m in the second group.
i don’t fucking want to be.
i don’t want to be associated with her.
i don’t want to be associated with these uncool people.
(and now i will proceed to feel even worse about myself
because they’ve been nothing but nice to me.)
4) this ballet lesson, and the last
i have been rather tired, and so
i haven’t been feeling the usual beauty and grace
that i feel from dancing, lately.
i feel like i’m constantly being criticised
and that i know i should try harder
and practice more at home, but
i don’t have time, and it never crosses my mind.
exams are coming up soon,
and my dancing is not up to par.
i’m disappointed in myself
and i know i can do better
but i’m tired, and frankly i don’t think i’m going to
pass the exam, anyway.
tomorrow i have an additional 2-hour class.
i don’t want to go, because i’ll just make
the same mistakes over again.
i’m realising that i actually have to try hard
and i’m not happy.
i like my little comfort zone, don’t you see?
5) finals are coming up soon.
they’re in 3 weeks.
i know that, in the back of my mind,
but i’m not prepared. not at all.
there have been some on-going assignments
that i haven’t even started on.
the due dates seem so far away
but i know that it’ll be crunch time soon
and i don’t know if i can handle it.
i haven’t been listening very well in class,
lately. i know my grades are probably going to slip.
at first i was just telling myself
“it’s okay to relax a bit”
but it was the wrong time to tell myself that.
finals are coming soon.
i can’t relax. i can’t be tired.
i’m not allowed to. i can’t afford to be.
i just have to suck it up, and,
horror of horrors!
i have to try hard.
6) i came back home from dance class just now
and i laid on the bed and forced myself to cry.
how pathetic is that?
i’m forcing myself to cry
so i can justify it and say
“yes, i am depressed.
yes, i am in a bad mood.
no, nobody can see.
so, it doesn’t matter.”
then i looked down and i saw my legs.
you know when your legs are pressed down flat
against a flat surface and the flesh just
flattens out and looks huge?
i saw that.
i hated it.
i punched my fat thigh, one, two, three, four times.
until i felt the pain.
then i punched my other thigh, until it felt it too.
then i punched my face, just to see if it would bruise.
i know i’ve been gaining weight recently.
i know i’ve been unconsciously restricting my food intake recently.
i know i don’t want to go down to dinner, at all.
what i don’t know is,
what i’m going to do.
So, sorry. I’m taking a hiatus for a while. It might be a day, it might be forever. It doesn’t matter. My readership has gone drastically down, and my motivation is lost. Maybe you still want to read, but don’t expect much. I can feel myself slipping.