Wei-Wei

hai-ah-toos.

In Uncategorized on May 14, 2010 at 7:00 pm

long story short,

a number of things happened today

and the past few days

and i’m not feeling very good

and i feel like i’m slipping

so i’m going to take a break from blogging.

that’s the short version.

you can close this window now,

because i’m going to start whining,

and since i’m already down on readers,

i don’t suppose anybody wants to read this.

**

1) my readership has gone down ever since

i stopped making myself comment.

i suppose it’s expected, but still,

i’m an attention whore and it’s making me

uncomfortable and dissatisfied.

2) i’m feeling really cold lately.

it’s starting to rain and be a little dreary

here, nowadays,

and it’s not doing much for my mood.

3) today was the freshman lock-in.

not that i wanted to go in the first place,

but two of my friends are also hosting (separate) parties

one of which i was invited to,

the other of which i wasn’t.

i can’t go, because obviously my parents aren’t here

and i can’t leave my grandma at home alone.

i felt very left out when at the end of the day,

they started talking about which bus they would go on

and what they would do.

(“So what are we doing at her house?”

“I don’t know, maybe go to Starbucks first.”)

our big group of girls is, in my mind

divided into two groups:

the more popular, “cooler” group of loud,

exorbitant, constantly-giggling, girls.

the other is less cool, consisting of girls

who are more studious and quiet, and laugh

at weirder, lamer things.

i’m in the second group.

i don’t fucking want to be.

remember yaya?

i don’t want to be associated with her.

i don’t want to be associated with these uncool people.

(and now i will proceed to feel even worse about myself

because they’ve been nothing but nice to me.)

4) this ballet lesson, and the last

i have been rather tired, and so

i haven’t been feeling the usual beauty and grace

that i feel from dancing, lately.

i feel like i’m constantly being criticised

and that i know i should try harder

and practice more at home, but

i don’t have time, and it never crosses my mind.

exams are coming up soon,

and my dancing is not up to par.

i’m disappointed in myself

and i know i can do better

but i’m tired, and frankly i don’t think i’m going to

pass the exam, anyway.

tomorrow i have an additional 2-hour class.

i don’t want to go, because i’ll just make

the same mistakes over again.

i’m realising that i actually have to try hard

and practice

and i’m not happy.

i like my little comfort zone, don’t you see?

5) finals are coming up soon.

they’re in 3 weeks.

i know that, in the back of my mind,

but i’m not prepared. not at all.

there have been some on-going assignments

that i haven’t even started on.

the due dates seem so far away

but i know that it’ll be crunch time soon

and i don’t know if i can handle it.

i haven’t been listening very well in class,

lately. i know my grades are probably going to slip.

at first i was just telling myself

“it’s okay to relax a bit”

but it was the wrong time to tell myself that.

finals are coming soon.

i can’t relax. i can’t be tired.

i’m not allowed to. i can’t afford to be.

i just have to suck it up, and,

horror of horrors!

i have to try hard.

damn.

6) i came back home from dance class just now

and i laid on the bed and forced myself to cry.

how pathetic is that?

i’m forcing myself to cry

so i can justify it and say

“yes, i am depressed.

yes, i am in a bad mood.

no, nobody can see.

so, it doesn’t matter.”

then i looked down and i saw my legs.

you know when your legs are pressed down flat

against a flat surface and the flesh just

flattens out and looks huge?

i saw that.

i hated it.

i punched my fat thigh, one, two, three, four times.

until i felt the pain.

then i punched my other thigh, until it felt it too.

then i punched my face, just to see if it would bruise.

i know i’ve been gaining weight recently.

i know i’ve been unconsciously restricting my food intake recently.

i know i don’t want to go down to dinner, at all.

what i don’t know is,

what i’m going to do.

**

So, sorry. I’m taking a hiatus for a while. It might be a day, it might be forever. It doesn’t matter. My readership has gone drastically down, and my motivation is lost. Maybe you still want to read, but don’t expect much. I can feel myself slipping.

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  1. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through so much pains and unhappiness right now. You have to think about this though, even with all those nuisances in life you have to know that they will come and go. HS was like that for everyone. There’s always the “cool” group and the “no so cool” group. It’s sad but it’s kind of the way of things. After these 4 years, no one will even know or care about who was cool or not. It sucks that you had to miss out on the lock in but you made such a mature choice – to be home with your grandma. This is soooo incredibly responsible, I probably would have been the brat that I am and gone to the lock-in. You showed a lot of strength by saying no, and doing the right thing.

    I hate hearing that you are injuring yourself my dear. You know that when you sit and the thigh starts to span out – its like that for us all! But you KNOW that. Don’t take it out on yourself. If you are gaining weight, that is a GOOD thing. It took me a while to accept it too but now that I have, I feel so much more like a woman and beautiful and sexy now that I’m not skin and bones. My bf thinks so too πŸ™‚

    School is stressful, yes. And you DO deserve to relax a little. Take a day off just for yourself and then get back at it with more concentration! Finals are just wrapping up for me and it was hard to study but the feeling of them being over is awesome! You can do it.

    I hope you feel better girl. If you need to talk/chat, I am ALWAYS here for you. Lots of love!

    -Jess

    • Thanks, Jess! I felt much better after writing this post out. It was a relief, I guess, to express myself a little. Thanks so much for your support – I really appreciate it. It reminds me of what I really love about the blog world: the awesome sense of community you get from readers and other bloggers, too. I’m sorry for throwing this at you so early in the morning (it’s morning in the US, no?) but I’m really thankful for your comment. At least someone’s still out there and reading! πŸ™‚

      I’m not so sure about the hiatus anymore. Seriously, just writing about it helped, and maybe that’s the real solution: just to talk.

      Thank you. πŸ™‚

      Wei-Wei

  2. I’m still here, still reading! Don’t be discouraged by not seeing comments all the time.

    Sometimes life… simply sucks. I’m sorry that you feel that way; I know what it’s like. However, it’s not the time to quit trying and to let yourself slip. Yes, slipping is easier. Yes, recovery is damn hard work. Those aren’t reasons to give up, though. The fact that recovery is hard proves that recovery is worth something, you know?

    I hope that venting does make you feel better. Sometimes just writing something out… whether a blog post, a journal entry, a letter that I don’t send… makes me feel better. It’s good to be able to verbalize the chaos in my head. And I’ll be here to listen to you say whatever you need to say.

    Best wishes on your upcoming finals. Take care of yourself, and you’ll do great! xoxo

    • Love is fickle. So is the sensation of seeing comments πŸ˜‰ (Okay, that didn’t quite work, but you get what I mean, right?)

      I found it really helpful to write this post. After I wrote it, I *did* go downstairs for dinner, and I *did* eat yummy food. Then I came back upstairs and saw Jessica’s comment, then yours, then checked my email and saw 7 automated emails with the subject line *Your comment at ***** has a new reply* and… I’m feeling better. Maybe a hiatus wasn’t necessary after all… I have to remember not to withdraw from the world. It’s not the solution, and it never will be.

      Thank you for your lovely wishes. ❀

      Wei-Wei

  3. hey wei-wei

    i’m so sorry to see you so down! when i was reading this entry, i was immediately taken back to my middle school years. i was so insecure with myself, and i’m sure everyone has felt that way some time or another in middle or high school. but you know what? that thing with the “cool” group and other “uncool” groups only happens in middle/high school. i’ve met some amazing in college who said they were once “outcasts” in high school. i couldn’t believe them. there they are, attractive, smart and super nice. don’t let the high school hierarchy define who you are, because you KNOW who you are in your heart.

    by the way, do you watch glee? i just watched season 1, episode 16 today. i think it’ll make you feel better πŸ™‚

    also, please don’t stop blogging. i have found that writing your emotions down really help calm the nerves and help you think things through. i always feel that i’ve taken a load of stuff off my mind after i write things down, whether good or bad.

    wish you the best of luck on your exams! relaxing a little the night before and getting a good night’s sleep is VERY important! πŸ™‚

    • I know it’s shallow to be worrying about “cool” and “uncool”, but honestly, at this age, it’s a big thing. I guess part of growing up is learning to think beyond the status quo and the opinion of the masses, and doing your own thing. I’m learning… slowly. πŸ˜€

      I’ve heard of Glee! A lot of my friends love it. I watched How I Met Your Mother last night, and THAT made me feel a lot better.

      I won’t stop blogging. I’ve already experienced the therapeutic effects of it (point: this post) and I always feel better after blogging… not to mention the lovely comments you guys leave.

      Thanks! I’m off to make an organised to-do list now. Always makes me feel like I have a bit of a direction… πŸ˜€

      Wei-Wei

      • It’s totally understandable at this point in your life; I remember feeling that way a lot when I was in high school. I almost felt I was hypersensitive about everything; now I realize I’m sure everyone went through the same thing. The great thing about getting older is later you realize that it doesn’t really matter too much in the end πŸ˜‰

        I’m glad you’re going to keep blogging, I like to read your updates πŸ™‚ And good luck on your exams!

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