i read this post on one of my
blogs, from right in the smack-dab
middle of my ED.
that blog eventually sort of died,
because i was getting literally no comments
and y’all know how much i love comments.
here. read it. i read it. i cried.
it’s like… well, i don’t know.
reading about how i felt back then
is key to healing me now.
Nov. 28th, 2009 at 11:37 AM
Let’s start with a confession, from two weeks ago.
I confessed to my best friend, let’s call her Ella, two weeks ago, after a class we took together on a Sunday, at the bottom of empty stairs at the mall, how I feel, what I eat, and all those unspoken thoughts that I would never have thought to reveal. She understood, and I loved her for understanding. She promised not to tell, and I loved her most for that. So I hugged her, and with good feelings we went on our way.
I suppose you know what I confessed to her, from all these insinuations and rants and screaming on this blog. Not like anyone ever reads it, but still.
I partially have an eating disorder. I am on the borderline between unhealthy dieting and anorexia. I don’t even think I am good at being anorexic.
The thing I am most ashamed of is that my mother prepares breakfast for me to eat on the bus everyday. I throw it away almost as soon as I get to school. Wrapping it in paper towels and carefully placing it in the bin.
I skip lunch. I have no friends to eat it with, so nobody misses me anyways.
When I get home, I eat as little as possible. I try as hard as I can to remain vegetarian. I will avoid starchy foods such as pasta, rice and bread.
I desperately try to keep under xyz calories a day. I tried a “punishment” system for two days, but recently I’ve just become too tired at night so I just skip my exercises and go to sleep.
Anyway, moving on: I also have another friend. Let’s call her… Nadia. She is dreadfully skinny and tall, and does not eat much. I got so angry at her yesterday because:
1) My friend Ella wrote about me and that confession in an electronic diary on her computer.
2) Last year Nadia and I were both guilty of stealing that diary several times to read. But now, I ask for it nicely, but Nadia still steals.
3) Nadia was once again guilty of stealing it within the past week. She saw the entry about me and tried to confront me about it.
4) Unlike Ella, she was concerned and started talking about “this is a serious problem” and how she wanted to tell somebody.
5) I started to cry. I think that shocked her, because I never cry. But she doesn’t know that I cry at a drop of a hat recently. Most of the time I don’t even wait for the damn hat.
6) What makes me the angriest is how she and her new friends are treating Ella. I am becoming more and more Ella-like, being unreactive, quiet and studious. So Nadia and her three new gossipy, excitable friends sit on the couch on one side of the table, and me and Ella sit on the other. They gossiped and giggled and screamed and left us out. “We don’t leave her out intentionally, she just doesn’t make any effort to join us.” I understand why now. It’s simply too hard, too tiring to try to become like them.
7) No, what makes me the ANGRIEST is that Nadia knew about my problem, and yet what did she eat for dinner? What did they all eat for dinner? She had a mango smoothie and a lemon cheesecake. That is ALL. In front of me. Doesn’t she know how triggering that is? I can’t believe it.
So now I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do but cry, and I want to go back to sleep but then my mom will know something is wrong and confront me about it. I can’t tell her about any of this. I can’t tell anyone about this, goddammit.
I think I kinda want to die right now.
i feel so bad for that girl back then.
i wish she could have known how much she was
sabotaging herself and her own feelings.
i wish she could have known what i know today
which is that there are people out there who understand
and that there are people out there who can help.
i wish she could have understood what she was losing.
Do you have any records or diaries from when you had an ED? How does it make you feel when you read entries from it? (I really hope that this post didn’t bring back too many bad memories. I’m really sorry if it did. :()