Wei-Wei

Dear Mom,

In Uncategorized on May 26, 2010 at 10:30 pm

I know you probably don’t understand why I started to cry when I told you that I binged on peanut butter, yet again.

I said, “I’m not going to make peanut butter anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because I ate a lot of it just now. I just stood there and ate it with a spoon.”

“So? We all do that sometimes.”

“And I ate chocolate.”

“See, whenever you talk about this your eyes get red.”

Then I started crying.

Do you understand, mom? I’m crying because I love control. I’ve told you that this is all about control. But I don’t think you quite understand how much I care about this control.

I know you get angry at me. I know you’re just concerned. But frankly, mom, I really don’t give a shit about my period or if I plan to have any children in the future. Because I don’t know the “joy” of having children, and I’ve never experienced anything called “womanhood” and I don’t think I ever want to. You say I’ll regret it, but if I’m dead then I can’t regret anything, can I? I’ll just slowly kill myself and I’d like you to turn the other cheek, thank you very much.

I’m perfectly fine for you to turn away and leave me to rot as I am. Honestly, I’ll do whatever I want to my body. I don’t care about the consequences. I can’t even imagine the consequences. I don’t even think I’ll be here for the consequences. Why do you have to be so emotional? Why are you still attached to me? I’m your child, and you’ve given up so much for me. Why? I’m not a particularly good person. I haven’t returned the favour. Stop talking about motherly love; I can’t comprehend it. I can’t comprehend loving somebody just because they came out of my vajayjay. In fact, I’d imagine I’d pretty much hate them. What pain I’ve caused you. You had to be sliced open for me. You had to make a living for me. I’m sure you’ve cried countless tears, sweated countless salt-water droplets, and worried endlessly. Why do you still love me?

I just want you to leave me alone. Why can’t you leave me alone? Why can’t you just stop loving me and let me die? I want to do it, it’ll make me happy. Isn’t that what you want? For me to be happy? Fine, I’ll be happy when I’m skinny. Are you happy? I’ll be happy when I’m controlled and under control, and oblivious to the fact that I’m hurting myself. Ignorance is bliss. I choose to turn the other cheek. Why can’t you?

I can’t comprehend what I’m doing to myself. I don’t notice the lethargy, or when I do I can brush it off. No big deal. People live, no matter how tired they are. I can do that too. I probably already know by now that binging is bad for me. Especially on fat-laden foods like peanut butter. It makes my tummy ache. But I choose to ignore that feeling and go on binging, because I choose to and because it tastes good. I’ve stopped listening to my body. Why would you care?

I’m eating, just for you. If you weren’t watching I’d subsist on peanut butter, if it didn’t make my tummy ache.

But it does, so it doesn’t. I don’t care. Why should you? Just leave me alone.

Not “love”, because I don’t know what love is,

Wei-Wei

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  1. Hey Wei Wei, your mom loves you because she does. There’s no explaining it. Parents and children have unconditional love for one another, that’s what family is about. I hope you can understand that people do care about you whether you want them to or not. If you care about them too, you should try to understand how much you are hurting them and yourself. My family and bf are the two things that helped me get better. I care about them so much that I hated knowing that my actions were deeply upsetting them. I love them for helping me through the darkest times. I hope you let your family help you too.

  2. I don’t believe that you really want to be left alone to die, and I don’t believe that you really think that will make you happy. Feeling lonely, depressed, and anxious about what you eat, what you weigh, and how you look? That’s not a good existence, and you know that. You can’t separate your “self” from your body; starve your body, and you starve your soul. Of course your mom loves you and wants to help you; she may not fully understand your disorder, but she cares so much about you. Other people do, too. That’s why we read and comment on your posts. You’re a smart girl, Wei-Wei. You know what you need to do to take care of yourself. Yeah, it’s hard, but life is so, so worth it. I do understand how you feel, and I’m here if you want to talk more. xoxo

  3. Wow oh wow. This posts could have been written by me. I can so relate to everything you said here. My gosh, I’m still awe struck by it.
    I don’t know what to say really, because I know for me, I can listen to advice from others saying how I’m wrong… but so far, I’ve never truly let myself ‘believe’ them. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I hope that in 5/10 years time, you will look back at this and smile, because you’ve come so far from this mental state that you’re in. One thing that helped me to understand what my mum is going through is to [do you have a pet?, I have a guinea pig, Bobbie, which I love tremendously] think how would you feel if your pet/one living that you love unconditionally, stop caring for herself, saying she’s ugly and worthless, saying that she wanted to kill herself, asking you to leave her alone in her own world, saying how everything that she does is her business, not yours …. do you understand how all that would absolutely break your mum’s heart into pieces?

    However, do you suffer from depression? It is very important to see a psychiatrist/psychologist if you do because it’s a very dangerous mental condition to live with (without counselling).

    ((((((Wei wei))))) Many hugs to you girlie. I truly wish I can fly to China, so I can give you a physical hug because I know, how lonely you are feeling right now.

  4. Parents love their children because it’s natural, because their children are essentially their own flesh and blood. Your mom cares for your well-being, whether it be your body or your mind, and you should too.

    Here’s a great quote by a great yoga master: “The body is your temple. Keep it pure and clean for the soul to reside in.” –B.K.S. Iyengar

    I literally live by this quote because it truly reflects my beliefs. You should love yourself for who you are, your own unique you. Moreover, you should love and honor your body, because it has to put up with you for at least 60-80 years. Your body is the closest thing to you, and you should thank it for nourishing your mind and soul.

  5. Oh my goodness Wei Wei, your post seriously stuck me hard. You have some intense feelings, that you should most definatly share with your mom. She gave you life, and only does what she thinks is right for you. You getting healthy sounds like a top priority to her. Your young, you don’t need to worry about being “skinny.” Just worry about being healthy and fit. Have fun, and still live healthy with balanced meals and moderate excercise. Your body is still growing, so too much will overdue it. You totally got our support 100%. You have an amazing heart, and we are here to help you get through this. Love ya girly! XOXO-Court&Whit

  6. Hey,
    this was a strong post. I have had a period of bingeing as well. Being so frustrated with everything and pressured, and the control I had managed to keep for one year slipped. Binging. Restricting again. Bingeing. Did not know how to eat balanced. It was all or nothing, but it was all hell.

    Your mother loves you because…she does. I have asked myself the same question over and over again, why does she love me after I have hurt her, forced her to eat things, screamed at her, acting like crazy… How is it possible?
    Maybe we’ll know one day. For now all we can do is to try feel gratitude, and find comfort in the thought that she is there. She does not understand you, but she is not giving up on you.

    You have my support and I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  7. how many times have the same things gone through my head
    I wish I could reach out to you in any other way but just know we are all supporting you and here for you

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