i’m having my last two finals tomorrow.
i really, truly, sincerely have not studied.
i really, truly, sincerely do not want to study.
i really, truly, sincerely think that…
productivity is an issue.
being a perfectionist and a person who likes to
get things done,
i get very frustrated at myself when i find myself
because as my mom ever-so-lovingly pointed out,
it’s losing control.
i really hate it
when she doesn’t understand about my
if i tell her about a binge and try to mention it lightly
and end up crying and telling her that i “lost control”
she just says “it happens” and “don’t be so hard on yourself”.
and she uses it in snide-sounding remarks to me.
“you’re so anal about losing control over food,
yet you can’t control yourself in front of the computer.”
“you talk about losing control and being in control all the time
yet you only sleep 6 hours a night despite the doctor telling you.”
“stop talking about ‘losing control’ and stop looking at stupid videos.
i thought you were going to study, where’s the control there?”
she doesn’t say it exactly like that,
but that’s what it sounds like,
and it does not feel good.
it reminds me that i’m out of control of myself, and recently
even out of control with food.
on top of that, i haven’t weighed myself in weeks
and i did this morning, and i gained.
quite a lot, in my little twisted world.
but back to the productivity issue.
i realised i was procrastinating like hell
and i hated it.
i wish i was doing something more worthwhile
with my time, but i just want to give up
and go to sleep.
i read the spanish notes i made from half a year ago
before semester exams, and boy.
was i ever a diligent little note-taker.
i probably rewrote all the vocabulary at least twice.
we’re talking 6 pages of pure vocab, people.
don’t you think that people like us are such
why do i always feel the need to be productive?
i wish i was doing something productive with my time
but i’m just wasting my life away.
i feel so tired all the time, and food is supposed to remedy it.
it’s not. i’m tired, i’m sore, and i feel weak.
where’s the energy that i got from the food merely
a month ago?
if i’m not getting any energy, then why eat?
i know in my rational mind that
food isn’t a miracle cure.
but for someone recovering from an ed
in which all i seemed to deprive myself of was
then isn’t having food supposed to
solve my problems?
that’s just not true.
even during ed, i went for the foods that were “filling”.
(sure, oatmeal is filling, but not a miniscule amount of it.)
now, when my food intake isn’t “productive”
(ie, i eat something and it doesn’t keep me full)
i get upset.
all i want to do right now is just lie down and sleep
but i know i have to study.
i guess typing out this post is part of procrastination.
i wish i could say i don’t care anymore,
but i do.
procrastinating bothers me like hell.
i don’t know why productivity is so important to me.
i want to be doing something with my life.
i’m supposed to be living and eating now.
i’m supposed to be happy.
i’m supposed to be.
What are your thoughts on productivity and how it ties in with your ED? If you don’t have an ED, does procrastination bother you? (ie. extreme, deep-seated guilt.)