to hell with productivity.

In Uncategorized on June 6, 2010 at 9:16 pm

i’m having my last two finals tomorrow.


and math.

i really, truly, sincerely have not studied.

i really, truly, sincerely do not want to study.

i really, truly, sincerely think that…

productivity is an issue.

being a perfectionist and a person who likes to

get things done,

i get very frustrated at myself when i find myself



because as my mom ever-so-lovingly pointed out,

it’s losing control.

i really hate it

when she doesn’t understand about my

control issues.

if i tell her about a binge and try to mention it lightly

and end up crying and telling her that i “lost control”

she just says “it happens” and “don’t be so hard on yourself”.

and she uses it in snide-sounding remarks to me.

“you’re so anal about losing control over food,

yet you can’t control yourself in front of the computer.”

“you talk about losing control and being in control all the time

yet you only sleep 6 hours a night despite the doctor telling you.”

“stop talking about ‘losing control’ and stop looking at stupid videos.

i thought you were going to study, where’s the control there?”

she doesn’t say it exactly like that,

but that’s what it sounds like,

and it does not feel good.

it reminds me that i’m out of control of myself, and recently

even out of control with food.

on top of that, i haven’t weighed myself in weeks

and i did this morning, and i gained.

quite a lot, in my little twisted world.

but back to the productivity issue.

i realised i was procrastinating like hell

and i hated it.

i wish i was doing something more worthwhile

with my time, but i just want to give up

and go to sleep.

i read the spanish notes i made from half a year ago

before semester exams, and boy.

was i ever a diligent little note-taker.

i probably rewrote all the vocabulary at least twice.

we’re talking 6 pages of pure vocab, people.

don’t you think that people like us are such


why do i always feel the need to be productive?

i wish i was doing something productive with my time

but i’m just wasting my life away.

i feel so tired all the time, and food is supposed to remedy it.

it’s not. i’m tired, i’m sore, and i feel weak.

where’s the energy that i got from the food merely

a month ago?

if i’m not getting any energy, then why eat?


i know in my rational mind that

food isn’t a miracle cure.

but for someone recovering from an ed

in which all i seemed to deprive myself of was


then isn’t having food supposed to

solve my problems?

that’s just not true.

even during ed, i went for the foods that were “filling”.

(sure, oatmeal is filling, but not a miniscule amount of it.)

now, when my food intake isn’t “productive”

(ie, i eat something and it doesn’t keep me full)

i get upset.

all i want to do right now is just lie down and sleep

but i know i have to study.

i guess typing out this post is part of procrastination.

i wish i could say i don’t care anymore,

but i do.

procrastinating bothers me like hell.

i don’t know why productivity is so important to me.

i want to be doing something with my life.

i’m supposed to be living and eating now.

i’m supposed to be happy.

i’m supposed to be.


What are your thoughts on productivity and how it ties in with your ED? If you don’t have an ED, does procrastination bother you? (ie. extreme, deep-seated guilt.)

  1. I have so much to say regarding this post. But I too am studying for finals. I have organic chem AND effing physics tomororw, in a r o w . So i think I will have to email you my thoughts after I have been through hell

    • Haha I just finished my Spanish final… only one more (geometry, blegh!) to go! Good luck on yours! 🙂 I’ll be looking forward to your email. I’d be happy to chat with you.

      Thanks for visiting!


  2. I don’t have/didn’t have an ED but in my early teenage years I was very particular about how much food I ate and when. Not necessarily what I ate, I was always just very careful to eat at certain times of the day and never too much or too little to what I thought was “normal.” I was a dancer back then and I was incredibly conscious of my body image and weight. Luckily my issues with never escalated further than that, but it was still unhealthy.

    • It’s hard, in this sort of society, to have completely un-disordered thoughts at all. Because honestly, even people who don’t have a full-blown ED have bad “thoughts” or habits sometimes. It’s just part of life, I guess. By the way – I’m a dancer too! What sort of dance? Do you still dance?

      Thanks for dropping by! I appreciate it 🙂


      • I was a classically trained ballet dancer as well as a contemporary dancer. Unfortunately I don’t dance anymore because I had a really bad knee injury several years back 😦

  3. I am the biggest procastinator I know, but I think that it is perfectly normal. Most teenagers are procrastinators. It used to bother me, but not anymore. I went to having to get the perfect grade on every single assignment, and studing for hours to finding balance. My older sister opened my eyes and made me realize that all of that stress I was putting on myself was not healthy. She was worried that I was going to get an ulcer. I realized that I was not giving time to myself, or time to just have fun and be a kid. High school is supposed to be the best years of your life. So my advice to you is as long as you try your hardest then that is all that matters. If you have a high enough grade in those classes, then the final is not going to make that much of an impact on it. I am sure if you paid attention all year, then all you need is a good night rest. Nobody is perfect, and we all need to find a balance. You just need to listen to your inner self and make decisions on what makes you feel the happiest 🙂

    • Thanks so much, you guys! (Is this Court or Whit?!) I really appreciate your advice, especially coming from teenagers too. I agree, finding a balance and being able to let go a little is important, and it’s part of the process of freeing myself from black/white thinking. I’m either fullout hardcore studying, or fullout hardcore procrastinating. It’s not fun being on the latter side, but not on the former, either. 😦

      But… I’m DONE with my last finals now! I am OFFICIALLY licensed to relax! XD Yay for summer!


  4. Aww go Wei-Wei go! you can do it! I got exams coming up soon too and I tend to procrastinate like hell but still gotta do it and putting it off just makes it harder. Have you tried making a timetable to set up study hours and rest and relax time? Also do try and get 8 hours sleep cos it does help a lot! Hope you doing well 🙂

    • I made it a point to go to sleep earlier last night, and I guess it helped… a little? 😛 It was really the only day during the exams that I was sleeping 7+ hours. I have to wake up at 5.50am, and I just cannot make myself go to sleep earlier than 11! Well, summer’s approaching, so I guess I’ll be able to make up for lost time now. 😉

      Finals are over! Summer is here! YAAAAAAY! XDD Thanks for dropping by again! 😀


  5. I just found your blog, and I love it. Thanks for your honesty.

    I am a graduate student and I find myself procrastinating when I have just had enough of school, and this often leads to a binge eating. Several times I have just stepped away from my work because I cannot even focus. It’s tough, but I know you can do it!

    Good luck!

    • Thanks for dropping by! I agree, sometimes the best remedy is just to leave it. Honestly, in the long term, finals like these in high school (especially in freshman year!) don’t matter much at all. I’m sorry about the binge eating; I find that I did that too.

      Thanks! Finals are finally over… 😀


  6. I went thru a stint of anorexia when I was recovering from brutal marriage #1.

    it WAS about control. it was about self hatred.
    I totally hear you.

    I am still (probably getting worse) and have been a busy bee. If I spend a day home sitting, resting, loafing…I get grumpy. one day i call rest. two I call lazy. I hate lazy. time flies so fast and there is so much we can do. I lost a lot of my younger years to brutal marriage 1 and 2 that I think plays a large part of my over achiever ness. AND I think the other part is I am still striving to prove to my (mother) myself that I am worthy.

    I never got to finish college and now I just have a day job and a my biggest love is my family.

    it haunts me still.

    I really really think Wei-Wei you should really contemplate what it is you that makes you happy..deep down inside. what do you need.

    and find ways to fill those needs.
    we all..ALL are missing a piece of the puzzle at some point in our lives.

    much love to you sweetie!

    • I’m sorry about your unsuccessful marriages. It must have been tough; I’ve never been in a real relationship and I can’t even imagine how heartbreaking it must have been for you during your “brutal marriages”. At least you made it out alive and are happy now… And that’s what matters. You’re a survivor, Cindy, and I’m amazingly proud of you! 🙂

      Thank you so much for the kind words and advice. I definitely think that passion and love for life, family and ourselves has to be found.


  7. Hi Wei-Wei!

    Procrastination is a normal part of life; it all happens to us one time or another. I know it’s a bit too late to be wishing you good luck as it seems that you’ve already finished, but I wish you belated good luck all the same. Doesn’t finishing finals feel so great? 🙂

    • Yeah, I know… I think procrastinate is the longest word a lot of teenagers know how to spell 😉 Procrastinators unite! (…tomorrow.) Thanks for the good luck wishes! Finishing finals feels awesome indeed. 🙂


  8. Wei-Wei:

    I know it’s hard… but at least you’re an amazing writer 🙂

    Good luck!

  9. As a fellow perfectionist, I totally understand. It’s a vicious cycle, since our perfectionism leads us to put assignments and responsibilities off because we want to do such a good job, yet we berate ourselves later for procrastinating. 😐 Happens with me every finals week. I think we can’t get too caught up in what already happened or needing to be “productive” all the time, though. If you enjoyed what you were doing at the time, it was worth it, and you can make up the lack of productivity with being super-productive later!

    • Thank you, Meg! I think the “cycle” has a lot to do with it as well. I guess just sitting there and procrastinating and beating myself up for procrastinating did not help, at all. But… now I know what to do for next year! Sit myself down, PLAN to study, and just do it. I felt good when I actually studied, so that helps 😉


  10. Wow…there are so many things I am compelled to say about this entry. Well, for one thing, it breaks my heart. I wonder if this need for control / procrastinating is connected in that you are trying with all your might to avoid those uncontrolled factors. I know that you will be ok but sometimes things get worse before they get better (not that knowing this makes it any easier!).

    Please, do know that people care.

    • Thank you Jen! Just seeing all these comments makes me feel better and makes me realise so much about myself… there is so much good advice here and I’m really thankful for it. I know that I’ll eventually be okay (I’m getting better because summer is FINALLY here!) and that I’ll get through it. Thanks for your kind words 🙂


  11. you are so poetic!
    ED kills my productivity. My body cannot function or complete tasks until it has fuel but once I eat, I am determined to exercise away the calories. it’s a tough, endless cycle

    • Poetic? Haha I guess…? 😛

      ED actually fuels my productivity… or my desire to be productive, anyway. You’re right about it being an endless cycle; it’s hard. Really hard. 😦


  12. […] it ties in with that productivity issue i mentioned. […]

  13. […] This morning has been very productive. I got the internet fixed, did my laundry, washed and put away the dishes, baked cookies, cleaned […]

  14. Oh, gods, I procrastinate ALL THE TIME. As a result I’d often end up having to cram for my finals, papers, or things that I’m supposed to be prepared for and losing sleep, which leads me to having terrible panic attacks and going crazy. One of the good things for me was to stop labeling myself as an anal “perfectionist” because no one is perfect anyway, absolutely no one. 😉

    • Cramming is no fun at all 😦 I didn’t even attempt to cram, because I just could. not. focus. Gosh. But, you’re right, nobody’s perfect! Thanks for your comment on my blog, by the way. I think you know by now that I’m a big fan of yours 😉


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