any other synonyms for jealousy out there?
i am jealous of her.
i want to be a good photographer.
i want to be able to feel pretty.
i want to make the effort and have a life.
i want to stop being on the computer all the time.
i want to just get out there and be social.
i want to “call someone up” and go “hang out”.
i want to have the motivation to work for success.
i want to know what i’m good at.
i want to know how this can connect with my real life.
i want to know how to stop clicking the next picture.
i want to know how to stop obsessing.
i want to stop obsessing.
Honestly, I just don’t know. I have to talk in normal sentences sometimes, so here goes:
She’s a girl at my school. She describes herself as an outcast, but she’s a part of the popular group, the skater section. Her, an outcast? God. What outcast? I’m an outcast. An outcast is someone who can’t identify with anyone else. At least she has friends. And a life. And a passion. But no, she describes herself as an outcast, posts beautifully artistic photos of herself, and gets perceived as a beautiful, deep-thinking, photographic genius.
Maybe I’m being prejudiced or pre-judgmental. I always thought of the popular people as shallow fakes. Poser indies. Faux-depressed angsty teenagers. But who am I to talk? I don’t know anything about love, or relationships. I can’t understand the drama.
I don’t know her personally. But I have commented on her photos on flickr, and tried to talk to her a little on facebook. She hasn’t replied. Maybe it’s just because I’m only one of the many adoring fans of her work.
It’s not fair. I know she worked for this “fame”. I know she has a talent. I want a talent, too. I certainly can’t find out what it is by sitting on my ass all the time wondering about what my talent is.
So, I guess, it’s just time to get out of the house and do something.
I’m going for a walk.