Wei-Wei

envy, covetousness, resentment, resentfulness, bitterness, the green-eyed monster

In Uncategorized on June 14, 2010 at 5:26 pm

any other synonyms for jealousy out there?

i am jealous of her.

i want to be a good photographer.

i want to be able to feel pretty.

i want to make the effort and have a life.

i want to stop being on the computer all the time.

i want to just get out there and be social.

i want to “call someone up” and go “hang out”.

i want to have the motivation to work for success.

i want to know what i’m good at.

i want to know how this can connect with my real life.

i want to know how to stop clicking the next picture.

i want to know how to stop obsessing.

i want to stop obsessing.

**

Honestly, I just don’t know. I have to talk in normal sentences sometimes, so here goes:

She’s a girl at my school. She describes herself as an outcast, but she’s a part of the popular group, the skater section. Her, an outcast? God. What outcast? I’m an outcast. An outcast is someone who can’t identify with anyone else. At least she has friends. And a life. And a passion. But no, she describes herself as an outcast, posts beautifully artistic photos of herself, and gets perceived as a beautiful, deep-thinking, photographic genius.

Maybe I’m being prejudiced or pre-judgmental. I always thought of the popular people as shallow fakes. Poser indies. Faux-depressed angsty teenagers. But who am I to talk? I don’t know anything about love, or relationships. I can’t understand the drama.

I don’t know her personally. But I have commented on her photos on flickr, and tried to talk to her a little on facebook. She hasn’t replied. Maybe it’s just because I’m only one of the many adoring fans of her work.

It’s not fair. I know she worked for this “fame”. I know she has a talent. I want a talent, too. I certainly can’t find out what it is by sitting on my ass all the time wondering about what my talent is.

So, I guess, it’s just time to get out of the house and do something.

I’m going for a walk.

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  1. Wei-wei, we all have times when we feel like we have no talent, when we want to be everybody else but ourselves. But you must realize that it doesn’t do you good just to wallow in envy, because you KNOW that you are unique, you just haven’t found that uniqueness in you yet. We are all born with a special talent. While some others may find theirs more easily, and may aquire more than you do, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have a talent. Look at what you’ve baked! They’re beautiful. And I was so surprised when you said how much your oven sucked, and they still turned out so amazing! THAT’S your talent, Wei-Wei. Don’t be down.

    Walks are good. They help you refresh your mind. Take care ok? I’m here to talk if you ever need someone! 🙂

    • Thank you Elaine. Your words really lifted my spirits 🙂 The thing is, I’m just an attention whore (I think part of that fed into my disorder too :S) and I like to be *recognised* for my talents! It makes me veer towards being jealous of people who get the attention of the media… but I don’t think I have any talents in that sort of category. So I guess I’ll have to continue developing my cooking skills 😀

      The walk didn’t make me feel much better… a nap did, though. 🙂

      Wei-Wei

  2. Yeah, I totally second what Elaine says! Chin up, Wei-Wei! You have plenty of talents–you bake pretty and ostensibly delicious things, you have an awesomely formatted blog, you’re a good writer, you’re smart, introspective…sounds like you have a lot going for you. I’m sure even as you typed about wanting a talent that you knew you already had several.

    I know it’s trite, but most of the “popular” kids in high school end up being the biggest losers after. There’s really not much to be jealous of. And I’ve often felt the most alone when I had the most friends and was part of a clique. Maybe that’s what that girl is feeling? It was only when I was able to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t much like being part of an artificial group and find a few new friends I really connected with that I would feel less lonely, even if in fact I was more alone. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to feel social–it’s totally fine to just relax and enjoy being by yourself sometimes!

    • The thing is… I had a huge blowout with my mom today, one of which the arguments was that I never told her anything and I just told everyone else in the world. (I suspect she found out about my blog. Nobody in my real life except my sister knows about my blog, and, well…) It’s a shame because I wish I had the courage to tell all this stuff and show all these apparent “talents” I have to people I know in real life – As much as I cherish you guys, I have to be honest here – I don’t know you all personally. And it sucks, because the people I know personally know nothing about this blog.

      I know, I know… but it’s high school! Popularity matters. 😛 I’m trying to get over it, though. And trying to find my real friends. Thanks for your kind words! 🙂

      Wei-Wei

  3. Do you know, I was just telling my husband today that I envied you! I read your latest comment, and I said, “I wish I had been that introspective, that smart and emotionally aware when I was 16. And I wish back then I had blogs to read and be inspired by, and to know that there are other people out there in the world who were going through what I went through. I wish I could have shared my thoughts with the world back then.” It’s so WEIRD that you write about envy today!

    Anyway, I think I know how you feel. It’s so easy to compare myself, my blog, my photos, my clothes, my body… to other people who I think are better. I have felt that I will never find my one true talent, my purpose in life. But recently I have started telling myself: my one true talent is to love; my purpose in life is to be happy. Someday maybe I’ll actually believe it. 🙂

    Hugs to you, Wei-Wei.

    • I guess… fake it till you make it? I think that’s a wonderful philosophy. “What I want in life is to be happy. For myself, and not for anyone else.” That’s the greatest thing of all, don’t you think?

      Thanks for commenting on my blog! I’m an avid reader of yours (food? random thoughts? photography? Gosh I love it :D)

      Wei-Wei

  4. Hey Wei-Wei,

    There’s no need to be jealous of her or anyone for that matter. I know I’m speaking in vain of course because jealousy is kind of a natural thing and I know I am guilty of it sometimes too. Still, I need to tell myself and constantly remind myself that if we were all the same, then what would the purpose of life be? Be you, be different. In ways she is “different” too. You’ll find your purpose one day, you are still so young! Heck, I’m 22 today and I’m still trying to find out what life is about. I’m not exceptionally happy about things going on in my life these days and I have my bf thinking that I’m “clinically depressed” but I’m still really TRYING to pick myself up. You should too.

    Love,
    Jess

    • Thanks Jess! I agree that jealousy is a natural thing and that people like us may be more prone to it… but it’s true that if we were all the same the world would be a REALLY boring place. Let’s work towards optimism and our purpose together, yeah! Love you girl! 🙂

      Wei-Wei

  5. If she wants to be a person who doesn’t value others who are not in her friendship group, then so be it. it just makes you all the more of a better person. everyone has a talent. everyone has a meaning. and everyone has a purpose. even if you do not see it and recognise it now, it will come to you at some point in your life.

    i am probably one of the most jealous people you could ever meet. even if i see someone with a tshirt i want but can’t afford i’m like “yoouuuu suckkk”

    chin up

    xxx

    • Thanks, Laura. I’m a jealous person too (hahahha “youuuu suckkkk!”) but sometimes messages like yours just give me that little reminder in the back of my mind of how I can overcome this jealousy. Jealousy is never healthy, and face it, there always will be someone better in our minds… it’s how we choose to react and carry ourselves that matters.

      Thank you for your comment! I read your blog; you seem new to blogging, so good luck with it! You’re beautiful, girl, I am NOT kidding! 🙂

      Wei-Wei

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